Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to the love of my life!

The Lord bless you
    and keep you;
 the Lord make his face shine on you
    and be gracious to you;
 the Lord turn his face toward you
    and give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26

Weekend links

These are my notes from a podcast from Pastor Ed Young. 

They truly don't do it justice. If you are interested, subscribe to his podcasts!

This week I came across an honest post and new link up I just might need to try. 

I found a new way to look at the reason why we go to church, and I couldn't agree more. 

As someone who grew up watching my parents' marriage end in divorce, I am always thankful to find posts like these, on Godly marriages. 

And last, but not least, I've been working on this for quite a while, and am getting much better at it. But it's always good to be reminded.

Have a blessed weekend! 

Dried up

This weekend we had an issue with our water supply, from Friday morning until Sunday afternoon there was no water pumped into our community. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper.

The funny thing is, each house stores a certain supply of water. I was told in gallons just how much I would have to brave through this, but two main points were missing: A- How long do I need to make it last? and B- Just what does that mean? A five minute shower? Two minute shower? Can I wash any crusty dishes? Oh my Lord, will I have enough water to flush the toilet?

Just like any other human being, the first thing we do is to moan and complain. And then pray for God to just this once, help a sister out and restore my water supply for His Glory. Very mature, I know. But I see how this silly situation was used to teach me a couple of things, and I'd like to share them with you. 

First of all, the magnitude of it hit me in the face. I don't have to do anything to have access to running water, I just turn a faucet. What about the people who have to walk miles? What about the people who live in droughts? What about the people who depend of muddy and dirty sources? No water taught me compassion. 

How big was my crisis, really? I still had access to water on tap. I have family two blocks down who opened their home for us to shower. I was able to afford going out for lunch on Sunday to avoid piling up dishes. I did not need to skip on bathing, washing hands, brushing teeth or drinking water. No water taught me how small my problems really are.

Can I even say I had no water? Or was I just focusing on the worst all along?I just had the nagging feeling that if I was not careful, I would be in trouble later on. No water taught me to put things into perspective. 

At the end of the day, a water shut off showed me God's incredible grace and mercy through the little things. And I am so thankful for those few days I spent worried about the lack, all the while focusing on what God has to offer that is so abundant. 

On loving those neighbors

Source

I live in a gated community with forty houses. All houses are attached, so I have neighbors in front of me, behind me and on both sides. Rationally speaking, that is the worst idea known to men. I hear pillow talk from the neighbors next to my bedroom, people showering at 5 am on the bathroom side, people chatting underneath my bedroom window and every noise the kids make on the backyard attached to mine.

I won't lie, it bothers me. Especially because I am always so concerned about not making any noise. More than wishing they would be quiet, sometimes I just wish they were more considerate. 

And then I got a new neighbor. Her house is southeast of mine, but our backyards connect. She spends the entire day on her backyard, doing house chores or working as a hair stylist out of her backyard. And from the moment her three girls, all under ten, wake up to the time they go to bed, she screams at them. I am not joking. Or exaggerating. 

She screams threats of beating them up (although she never follows through, thankfully), tells them just what an idiot they are and tends to add an absurd amount of profanities into every other sentence. She always, always, always sounds so mad. So frustrated. At the end of her rope.

And for a long time, I hated her. I hated how she talked to her girls. How she was constantly scarring them for life. How she was unable to show love. How she was unable to realize that the entire community can hear her. How she could at least keep some naughty words out of her rants. All I wanted to do was report her to the manager, to the police, and make her feel horrible, just like she does to her daughters.

Until God pointed out to me how similar we are. How I lose my temper with my dogs. How I get frustrated. How I have no idea of what her life is like. How I have no idea of what motherhood is like. And how He calls me to love. Not judge. Love. Not hate. Love. 

So now I can see how He does use everything for His glory. A noisy neighbor goes from being a disturbance to being a chance to show Christ. A lesson on being a kind, gentle spoken mom. An opportunity to extend grace to a tired mom and joy to some ignored children. 

Infinitely more

Some people live a long, healthy young life with no intentions of settling down. If I were to be completely honest, I think I started seriously considering marriage when I was, oh, I don't know, maybe nine. Maybe it is because I've always known I wanted to be a mom. Maybe it is because I had some sort of low self-esteem and needed to have someone by my side to feel worth something. Maybe it is because this has always been a God-given dream.

I know what it is like to be a teenager surrounded by friends with their boys-in-tow and be alone. I know what it is like to graduate from high school never having been kissed. I know what it is like to lie to a group of girls that of course I had already french kissed. I know what it is like to go through college watching peers 'hook up', get STDs, get pregnant, and wreck their sanity over messy sex lives, all the while thinking that I am light years away from being that grown up. 

I know what it is like to come to Christ and all of a sudden be extremely grateful for God's protection. Learning the meaning of the word holy and understanding why I was set apart. And yet, even after becoming a Christian, I also know what it is like to look through the youth group wondering if my future husband is somewhere there. Pray that the one close friend you have sees what a Godly wife you'd make. 

For my entire life, I placed marriage in a pedestal. At first, for the lack of a romantic relationship. And then, when I was twenty-two my parents got divorced, and my need to have someone just got worst. My husband was a childhood friend of mine, and he came back into my life a couple of years later. I finally had what I had always wanted, and yet, for a long time, I kept expecting things to fall apart. 

He couldn't be that great of a boyfriend. Our relationship couldn't be that peaceful. Our love couldn't be that strong. I beat myself for not knowing how to behave in an adult relationship, and attempted to follow the examples of friends and family only to see that it did not work. I cried countless nights over the idea that he might just get fed up with me and leave me. 

Yet, he never did. He has never raised his voice to me. Never spoken unkind words. Never stormed out of the room. Never treated me with disrespect, in private or public. He has been showing me Christ's love way before he understood who Christ was himself. I was willing to settle for much less. I would have been content with much less. Yet, God had infinitely more for me than I had planned. 

Daddy listening to baby Arthur's heartbeat

Indeed, nothing

Source

"No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:39

Baby clothes and blessings

My dogs and my big bulging belly

Expectations are a funny thing. We hope and dream and plan the future, and when it gets here we tend to juxtapose the reality against what we thought it would be like, and then assess whether we came out well or not. At least I know I do it. All. the. time.

Take my pregnancy for example. I had very firm preconceived ideas of what it would be like, and to be honest, they were very similar to the experience I heard from most of my friends. Where I would shop. What I would purchase. How much stuff my baby would have. What the nursery (gasp) would look like. How my (oh my goodness!) baby shower would be. It all would take a lot of time, energy, money and countless Pinterest-invested hours. 

And then all of a sudden, just as I got pregnant we found ourselves in a financial bind like we never had before. Praying things would get better, they actually got worse, and no extra cash quickly turned into debt. One by one, I saw my dreams of Carter's onesies and gourmet cupcakes, fancy strollers and hip maternity clothing go out of the window.

The first thing that I felt was sheer sadness. I understood and accepted God's will, and if I wouldn't be able to have all those things, I knew they were not good for me anyway. But still, the thought of not throwing a fancy shower or having pristine never-worn before clothes felt to me as a trial. I felt as if God was putting me through this. It was not something I had been made to enjoy, but to endure. 

Until He opened the floodgates. I literally purchased maybe three pieces of (walmart) baby clothes. And yet, baby Arthur already has more clothes, and soon enough shoes, than I do. They came from friends, family members, and church members I barely knew. They came in the form of loans, gifts and donations. And each time I opened a plastic bag to see a tiny baby boy outfit I knew God was smiling. 

God could have sent all we needed through our own finances. I would have treasured every purchase, every small pair of socks, every gorgeous smelling brand new shoes. But He worked it out in a way that glorifies Him the best. And He taught me such an important lesson in the meantime:

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

(Better late than never) Weekend links

I missed posting weekend links on Saturday. As I debated whether to scrap them altogether, I figured I'd rather share great posts others wrote than write my own. This is what touched my heart this past week:

(in)courage talked about being a happier mom. Good thing I read this before putting myself through the wringer!

Pete Wilson talked about two things a marriage needs. I'll be honest in admitting the first abounds in my marriage, the second is something I really need to work on!

John Piper as usual wrote an incredible post. So inspiring!

And I don't usually recommend YouVersion reading plans, but this one is a great one for mommies everywhere!

Happy reading, and have a great week!

We are His

Know (perceive, recognize, and understand with approval) that the Lord is God! It is He Who has made us, not we ourselves [and we are His]! We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

Psalm 100:3 (Amplified Bible)

Worship Wednesday

Let's take a break from a long story to worship a bit! I promise that tomorrow you will understand how this song relates to my whole life ruins.

Me And God
(Josh Turner feat. Ralph Stanley)

There ain't nothing that can't be done
By me and God
Ain't nobody gonna come in between me and God
One day we'll live together
Where the angels trod
Me and God

Early in the morning talking it over
Me and God
Late at night talking it over
Me and God
You could say we're like two peas in a pod
Me and God

He's my Father
He's my friend
The beginning
And the end
He rules the world
With a staff and rod
We're a team
Me and God

I am weak and he is strong
Me and God
He forgives me when I'm wrong
Me and God
He's the one I lean on
When life gets hard
Me and God

He's my Father
He's my friend
The beginning
And the end
He rules the world
With a staff and rod
We're a team
Me and God

He rules the world
With a staff and rod
We're a team
Me and God

We're a team
Me and God

All things

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Weekend Links

Here is some good reading for a great weekend:

Jason Eric Brooks wrote about Noah waiting to leave the ark. I only found his blog last week, but have been loving his posts. Let's just say that six months into trying to sell a house that was guaranteed by the Realtor to go within six weeks has made me relate to this.

Holley Gerth wrote about not having to do more for (in)courage. Amen, sister!

Desiring God touched on an all-too-familiar subject I've been running across lately. Love it when that happens.

God bless you!

Worship Wednesday

Have a blessed day!

Here I am to worship

Light of the world 

you stepped down into darkness

Opened my eyes 

let me see

Beauty that made this heart adore you

hope for a life spent with you

Here I am to worship

Here I am to bow down

Here I am to say that you're my God

You're altogether lovely

altogether worthy

altogether wonderful to me

King of all days

Oh, so highly exalted

Glorious in heaven above

Humbly you came to the earth you created

all for love's sake became poor

Here I am to worship

Here I am to bow down

Here I am to say that you're my God

You're altogether lovely 

altogether worthy

altogether wonderful to me

I'll never know how much it cost 

to see my sin upon that cross

I'll never know how much it cost

to see my sin upon that cross

My two year plan

I've been less than straight forward with the reasons why I chose to take a six month blog hiatus. Part of the reason is because there have been many reasons. Part of it is because I sometimes feel like a four year old, who feels, yet cannot rationalize or verbalize the whys. And part of the reason is because the main reason is a pretty awesome one.

I have been blessed to get pregnant. 

minutes after that stick showed two lines!

For me, it's always been the dream. As in, if you could have just one wish. No need to visit Florence or to scuba dive in the Australian corrals. No desire for driving a fancy car or living in a gated community. No drive to become a CEO or a pop star. I've always wanted to be a mom. Plain and simple.

I thought I was ready as soon as I finished college, but God has graciously given me a ten year gap. In this time, I've reconnected with my husband (a childhood friend), married, got a degree in Early Education and worked with children ages 2 to 8, which will obviously be a big help in the coming years. We bought our first house, adopted 3 rescued dogs and I have had countless (and mainly failed) attempts to start cooking.

A year and a half after I got married we began to have the baby talks. I went to my doctor who was brutally honest in telling me no way. I was extremely overweight and pregnancy would not be a great addition to mix. She gave me a year to lose 30 pounds, I came back having lost 15. 

Since it was a good start, we got all my tests done and had the green light. However, it was anything but a celebratory go ahead. My doctor talked to me long and hard about how I was still way overweight, how my husband is so too, and how it would take us around two years to conceive. "But go ahead and start trying," she said, "Just don't get your hopes up."

That was February. On March 30th I took a home pregnancy test that came out positive. Medically speaking, my husband and I were in for a long road. Truthfully, God's plan was to show us his deliverance all along. And life hasn't been the same ever since. 

All Praise Him

I am a superficial praiser.

There, I said it.

When things are going well, I am all about praising Jesus in public. When Hillsong comes out on my Ipod, there is no traffic that can damper my mood and stop me from singing. When I get a chorus stuck in my head I will chant it over and over again, for hours Our God, is an awesome God, He reigns, from Heaven above with wisdom, power and love, our God is an awesome God.

But when things don't go well....
When I forget to turn on the radio...
When I am just *too busy*....

I grow silent. I let the silence consume me. And silence doesn't stay alone for long. Soon, worry comes. Fear comes. Anxiety comes. And the more they take over my mind and my heart, the further I drift from praising.

The other day, my Message Remix: Solo devotional included singing and dancing a worship song to God. As I sat alone in my living room at 6am, while my husband slept upstairs, my first thoughts were you have got to be kidding me.

Just like that. It actually scared me, how much praise had gone down in my priority list. The guilt came and the do I really have to questioning began. Couldn't I just read, think, pray and live today's devotional skipping that part?

I am sure I could. But seeing my Ipod, which was always with my husband, on the kitchen counter made me compromise. So I chose an upbeat song and started singing to this song. Turns out I cannot just sing to it, and pretty soon, I was accompanied by my dogs who surely thought I was crazy in dancing and jumping on the living room floor.

And you know what? It felt good. 

Three strikes and you're out!

Lysa TerKeurst's Made to Crave book made quite an impression on me. And although I felt that most of it would be food related, I learned a lesson during my quitting process that shocked me. Her reflection on how the enemy works was spot on, and I was once again thankful for having the knowledge to fight this battle.

If you got the impression yesterday that my quitting kerfuffle was a simple one, make no mistake, my friend. It was a long time coming, and it involved countless tears and many moments in which I sat on the floor with my head on my hands asking God why was he making me go thorough this. So let me tell you some more:

Lysa's book is fabulous, and it really changed my relationship with food. But the pivotal part that I took from it was her explanation of sin based on 1 John 2:15-16

For everything in the world- the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world

She breaks down all three points brought up here, and if you want to read through them, I really suggest you get the book, because I won't give someone else's milk for free. But let me tell you how satan attempted to get me to back down from my God-given direction:

The boasting of what he has or does

The initial reaction of one of my employers when I said I quit, was something I had been waiting a whole year to hear. Please don't. We need you. We won't find someone like you. This school is lost without you.

The whole time I was thinking you're right about that. Until I remembered Lysa's words. Ouch. I fought that attack the only way I knew how, humbling myself. I made an enormous list of all my shortcomings for the job. I detailed how my lack of experience had made me second guess myself and my staff. I described how I was horrible at bossing people, and had no people management skills. And then I began to paint a picture of what a true fantastic coordinator would be, and how I was miles away from that. 

Lust of the eyes

The next step was for her to play hardball with me. What do you want? Anything, we'll get. More staff. More money. A different job description. Think it through, and come back to me, we'll meet whatever your needs are.

That's below the belt for me. I am someone who truly struggles with sense of security, and as soon as she started talking, salary figures and extra vacation time started popping in my head. It was ugly, really. For a split second, I was ready to take full advantage of what I "deserved". Which is why I had to stand my ground and just answer it's not about that. Over, and over again. 

Cravings of the sinful man

The last attack was the worst, and it made me feel like Eve in the garden. I was resolute that my only craving could be to honor God, and it was done, I had finally made my decision. When my boss called me an hour later to insist yet again on the other two issues and saw I was still firm, she appealed to my Christian values. You have to put yourself in our shoes, you are abandoning us. That cannot be the right thing to do.

And that one actually got me thinking. Should I hold off until June? Should I commit to staying until we found a replacement, no matter how long it took? Was I misinterpreting God's plan for my life? I could hear it clearly.... 

Did God really say....?

Which is why I am so sure that this was the right thing to do. The more I feel attacked, the more I am certain this is for the glory of God!

Big news

So yesterday I gave you some background info, without actually divulging what is going on. Tricky, aren't I? But if you know me at all or managed to pay attention to what I was sharing, you can probably guess what happened.

In the last couple of weeks I've been realising how I still haven't had the guts to just do it. Quit. Trust the Lord completely. Act crazy, in the name of His promises. So on Friday, after a few incentives from everywhere - circunstances, husband, problems at work - I did.

According to Brazilian work laws, the company can ask an employee to work a 30 days notice, which the employee is not forced to fulfill. I really, really, really didn't want to do it, but I was reminded by a good friend of mine that this is the Christian thing to do.

Which means that officially, as of March 8th I'll be unemployed. And completely comfortable with it. 

The funny thing? Last year my husband had a salary plus commission. He had a wide range of possible salaries, but always between specific figures. About a month ago, he quit his job to work with a friend - for commission fees only. Which means that if he sells nothing in a month, he gets nothing in that month. 

Somehow, instead of freaking out, I am completely at peace. I know all comes through the Lord anyway, and my salary means nothing compared to all that he can do to provide for us. I don't have anything firm yet, and am not actively looking for it, which seems to baffle people. That's ok. Like I said, a year ago I didn't get it either.

A misstep for His Glory

On Friday I promised I had news coming. I have been accused of writing cryptic messages on the blog due to my lack of divulging of actual events, but I guess that is how it is when you are bursting to split your guts online before you actually tell those involved. 

Before I do tell you what happened, let me give you some background info:

At the end of 2011, when I left my previous job, I had a specific direction from God: stay at home for a while and have a baby. 

Yeah, that's not what you want to hear when you know that your husband's income won't cover all your monthly costs. So my scary-cat self left the job and got myself into another one. Trusting God with salvation comes easier to me than trusting Him with my monthly bills. Crazy, isn't it?

I got myself into a job that was clearly against the odds. I signed my contract in a bakery, because the school wasn't ready. I worked the first week from home because there was no internet connection. I started the school year as the only teaching staff, with three students. I gave up a substantial percentage of my former salary, along with benefits. I was trading safety for...well, for crazy!

But I did it as a small step towards trusting God. If having no income was too much, having less income seemed to be a compromise. When everyone kept telling me to think it through, I knew God would keep cool in control. And above all, I knew this would not be easy, it would be a job that God would use tremendously in order to make me trust Him.

There, I met some people who changed me. I learned a lot about Early Education. I got a job in which, for the first time in a long time, I felt extremely challenged, and over my head. I came accross situations of pure disbelief, and of having to stand my ground in order to keep my Christian values. I cried -over and over again - for things that were unfair, and which I could probably sue my employers for.

Through it all, I needed Jesus more than ever, on a regular basis. It was a mistep taken in pure disobedience, but it made me connect with God more than ever. It showed me that when we go against God's direction out of fear, He does not only strike a lightning bolt at your head. He comforts you and guides you. He reminds you that He is always there, and still in control. And that no matter what choices I make, He loves and cares for me more than I could ever understand. 

Taking a sick day from work

I saw it coming. I started feeling achy and restless. My throat started closing in and my breathing getting shorter. My head got to the point of constant sinus pain and pressure. And yet, all I wanted was to make it to the weekend. We have 3 days off work for carnival next week, and I just wanted to get through our first week of school being ok.

I absolutely hate missing work. I look down at people who ask for time off, specially working in a school. I've worked at places that gave us 14 weeks (not kidding, weeks) off work a year, and every so often, someone would ask to come in late for some medical exams, or for getting a passport made. All I could think was get your life together, and start planning ahead!

By late afternoon yesterday I had been running around and feeling all sticky and sweaty - yet another joy about working with preschoolers and kindergarten kids. I was feeling so gross I didn't realise that the weather had taken a toll for the worst and people around me were wearing sweaters.

On my ride home I could already feel the ache in my throat, the sinus pressure, and the knot of my stomach at the thought of missing work. How could they possibly survive a day without me?

By 5am I realised I could not possibly wake up and go to work. Not only was I feeling horrible, I wasn't about to spread whatever I had to my staff and children. The guilt went on.

By 10 I was considering taking a shower and dragging myself to work. I was not better, the fever raged on, but it just consumed me. The guilt.

When my fever went down around 2pm, I considered making the trip one last time. Until I felt God speak.

Rest. 

When I was truly able to rest, no wonder I got much better 

When not everyone is ok with what is going on

This weekend I went to a college graduation party, and I must say I thought it was one of the oddest events I ever attended. It started at 11pm (!) and included a dinner (?). There were families there, with proud dads, smiling grandparents and some children. People were dressed to the tee, and women looked like a million dollars.

Until a certain time. Sometime around 2am, things began to go south. The open bar policy became more evident with every graduate stumbling, women taking off their shoes and letting their hairs down in a mess, which apparently is supposed to be sexy.

With every drunken girl, promiscuous couple and low cut cleavage, all I could think of was there are parents and grandparents in this place. How is everyone ok with this?

And then I realized, not everyone is ok with that. God was certainly not ok with that.

So after my initial wow, she's a train wreck thoughts, I changed my perspective. I engaged in prayer. 

I prayed those young women would know the value they have in the sight of God.
I prayed those young men would learn to respect and not take advantage of needy girls.
I prayed these kids would mature and learn the joys of living a Godly life out weight getting drunk.
I prayed these parents would see this scenario and actually take steps to help their sons and daughters, their babies to know better.
I prayed my future children are sheltered from this influence.
And I prayed God would continue to prompt me to see things through His eyes and feel His pain.