Rejoice

It seems like this week will be one of those weeks. You know the ones. When Sunday comes and you already feel tired for the upcoming days. When the weekend is full of joy, loved ones and anticipation, but lacks in any rest. When Monday hits you in the face with crying toddlers, missing coworkers and stressed out bosses. So yeah, that's how my last few couple of days have been. But how are you?

In the midst of all this, I am reminded of one thing. To rejoice. 

And I was reminded about my little 2013 word. You know the one. Wholeheartedly. 

Because at the end of the day, it's easy to be wholehearted when things go well. It is easy to plan, execute and check off what you enjoy and what goes your way. Not so much when you wake up to find there is no running water in your house and you have a medical semi-crisis in your hands. 

But, as in with everything else, it's all good. It always is. 

All things

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

My two year plan

I've been less than straight forward with the reasons why I chose to take a six month blog hiatus. Part of the reason is because there have been many reasons. Part of it is because I sometimes feel like a four year old, who feels, yet cannot rationalize or verbalize the whys. And part of the reason is because the main reason is a pretty awesome one.

I have been blessed to get pregnant. 

minutes after that stick showed two lines!

For me, it's always been the dream. As in, if you could have just one wish. No need to visit Florence or to scuba dive in the Australian corrals. No desire for driving a fancy car or living in a gated community. No drive to become a CEO or a pop star. I've always wanted to be a mom. Plain and simple.

I thought I was ready as soon as I finished college, but God has graciously given me a ten year gap. In this time, I've reconnected with my husband (a childhood friend), married, got a degree in Early Education and worked with children ages 2 to 8, which will obviously be a big help in the coming years. We bought our first house, adopted 3 rescued dogs and I have had countless (and mainly failed) attempts to start cooking.

A year and a half after I got married we began to have the baby talks. I went to my doctor who was brutally honest in telling me no way. I was extremely overweight and pregnancy would not be a great addition to mix. She gave me a year to lose 30 pounds, I came back having lost 15. 

Since it was a good start, we got all my tests done and had the green light. However, it was anything but a celebratory go ahead. My doctor talked to me long and hard about how I was still way overweight, how my husband is so too, and how it would take us around two years to conceive. "But go ahead and start trying," she said, "Just don't get your hopes up."

That was February. On March 30th I took a home pregnancy test that came out positive. Medically speaking, my husband and I were in for a long road. Truthfully, God's plan was to show us his deliverance all along. And life hasn't been the same ever since. 

Back to blogging

It has been a full one hundred and twenty eight days since I last logged on this little blog. It was an unexpected, yet much needed sabbatical from sharing my feelings with the web. Circumstances in my life and the utter feeling of being overwhelmed made it too much to rationalize this therapy into existence. 

I could feel it coming. Having a whole Instamonth was a clue as to which I was denying all along: my reluctance to be completely open and honest, my fear of laying my heart out in the open. I was going through a turmoil and was concerned that my testimony might be less God honoring than gossip focusing. So I did what I do best when I feel inadequate, I kept my mouth shut.

But little by little this love has been rekindled in my heart in the last six months. I catch myself going back to blogs I loved and had given up on. I stop to ponder what a great discovery I just made while washing the dishes, only to find it wasteful not to be able to share it. I think of phrases out loud while driving, wondering what kind of blog post it would eventually turn into.

So I return, once again. For now, at least. 

On feelings of inadequacy

Did you ever really want something? As in wished, prayed, hoped and asked pretty please for it? As in you felt that your whole life would come down to this one tiny thing, and oh, if only you had that you'd be happy and never, ever, ask for anything again?

I've had my share of wanting things, events and changes in my life. From wishing for a piano (accompanied by piano lessons, nonetheless) to hoping I could just meet the one in college so I could go from college kid to housewife in one swoop. I've done my share of planning, which included things completely out of my control such as what kind of job my husband would have and how many children we would raise (if you are wondering, three, two boys and a girl, and in that order).

Lunatic, I know. But I never worried too much about that stuff because three months later I would change my mind and see how a marsh-view house would be much better than a historic district townhouse anyway. 

Except for this one tiny dream. It is a dream that sounds so simple and so silly, that people look at me funny when I tell them that's all I want in life. It is a dream I've had for as far as I can remember, which amazes me on how God's grace points us to where we belong from an early age. It is a dream filled with what would be a lot of work which makes life harder, which proves to me how much this is God's dream for me, as I would have certainly picked an easier way out.

And now the dream is here. And it feels so...surreal. 

I get torn in between moments of utter bliss and feelings that I certainly don't deserve it. I ponder about how this can glorify God only to get trapped thinking about how this is so fragile and can be ripped from me at any moment. I think back at all the circumstances I envisioned myself whenever this dream would come true, to be reminded of how I fell short.

I feel I cannot possibly be ready. I had so many ducks to place in a row before this, and so many years to do it it. Financially. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. But I blew it. I was lazy, I was incompetent, I was inadequate. And now it's here and it won't wait. So I juggle my joy and thankfulness with guilt and shame of not being ready. Of not being perfect. 

I should know better, and not listen to the lies. Yet, my heart is deceiving, and before I know it I am sketching out worst-case scenarios and wondering what kind of judgement I'll get. The emotions get the best of me and what began as a prayer of thanks turns into a list of errands to be checked before we can move forward, a list of if onlys that will somehow make me a little better adequate for this task.

Yet, every time I do get trapped in these lies, He reminds me that His grace is all I need. And that His power is strongest when I am weak.

Instamonth Day 30

God, show us your favor. Bless us.

    May you smile on us with your favor. Selah

 

Then your ways will be known on earth.

    All nations will see that you have the power to save.

God, may the nations praise you.

    May all of the people on earth praise you.

 

May the nations be glad and sing with joy.

    You rule the people of the earth fairly.

    You guide the nations of the earth. Selah

 

God, may the nations praise you.

    May all of the people on earth praise you.

Then the land will produce its crops.

    God, our God, will bless us.

 

God will bless us.

    People from one end of the earth to the other

    will have respect for him.

Psalm 67

Running on empty

There are times in which I am ready to throw in the towel. I am done, I learned my lesson, let's move on.  But it turns out that God's timing is not like mine. Not at all....

So as I sit and pray and go about my day with a mentality that is just waiting for deliverance, it's easy to overlook God's sustaining love. 

I could rationalize that I want this for His Glory. To spend more time in His Word. To connect to sister bloggers around the world. To focus on His praise. And I honestly have plans for all that, as soon as I get a bit more of downtime, I'll increase my God-time. I'll focus more on my husband. I'll take better care of my house. I'd do all these things, if only I had more time.

But it turns out I don't need more time. I need a shift in perspective. I need to be made aware of what I truly need:

His grace is enough.

When I am reminded of that, like Paul, I get a second wind. I can iron clothes on a Sunday morning. I can find time for God during my lunch hour. I can prepare a slow cooked meal for my husband even though it means I need to get up extra early. I learn again what it is to serve wholeheartedly.

Except for the gym. That grace I am still struggling with....but I guess that makes me human. 

One step at a time

For me, waiting on confirmations is hard. I could totally live with a coin toss decision for everything. God, if you want me to do this, it will be heads. If I should not get involved, tails. 

But life is not like that. And I am very thankful that Jesus is so gracious with me, taking me one baby step at a time.

I've had some things happened that needed my choice, intention, and God's confirmation. It took patience, it took tears, it took some a lot of whining on my spoiled part. But it came, and that was that.

Last week was a busy one, with a lot of life-changing moments. I was pushed against the wall and had choices to make, and sides to choose. So I prayed, and God lead me to three possible scenarios. I even wrote them down.

If scenario A happens, this is what I do.
If scenario B happens, I will do this other thing.
If scenario C happens, I will take that other stand.

On Sunday scenario A came. On Tuesday scenario B. And on Thursday, scenario C.

Now what?

I must admit that my first impulse was to think God is giving me the choice. Let me think about what I want. 

Until God prompted me to think it through. Really?

When I accepted that God does have a plan, which is better and perfect, and it's coming through, something unbelievable happened. A fourth situation presented itself. 

Now I know I am just not ready yet to see the whole picture. Which is ok with me. We'll go one step at a time.

First day of school

Today is the first day of school, and because of the Brazilian school calendar, the first day of the school year.  For the first time in about six years, I don't have a class of my own. My current job is related to coordination, focusing on teacher training, admissions and all sorts of backstage stuff that I never knew had to happen before.

First days are always emotional. Kids and parents show separation anxiety. Some are just so excited about a new class that they can barely make it. Kids and teachers get that knot in their stomach about the great unknown that is the year that is about to come.

For me, 2013 is a year full of unknowns. We have big dreams and big promises, on pretty much all aspects of life. So I have two options:

I could foster the knot in the stomach that comes and goes and rationalize that I do, indeed have reasons to fret.

Or I can be at peace. Simple as that. It is a choice. 

Every day, at every moment, every doubt, every change, we are faced with the decision. How do you often choose?

One of those weeks...

Source

It's been a whole eight days since my last post. You know what that means, it's been one of those weeks. 

A trying week.
A week in which I did more listening than talking.
A week in which I have made myself humble to honor God.
A week in which I focused on Jesus instead of crying over people who were mean to me.
A week in which I worked long hours and still found strength to work at the last few minutes as I did when I walked in many hours earlier. 
A week in which you see a lot of work and effort go down the drain as you backtrack five steps.

I love these weeks. I'd probably be crazy if I loved them for the hectic-ness, but I do appreciate them and love them for the results. These are the weeks that God uses to prompt me in a new direction. To regroup, to secure me, to provide. To make me question myself, and the whys and whats and hows of my life. 

These are the weeks that the Holy Spirit speaks loud and clear instead of softly nudging you as you go along.

These are the weeks in which Jesus is all I long for.

These are the weeks in which my testimony speaks louder, for the glory of God.

These are the weeks in which life is lived wholeheartedly. 

A wholehearted year: blogging

I've been talking about a wholehearted year. If you missed out, start here.

I've looked for God in many places. One that I haven't thought about much is the internet. Last year was a lesson when it comes to this blogging world of mine. Having new people start following. Meet new people through Five Minute Fridays. Discovering a community or two. God is everywhere, so why wouldn't He be able to shine through the world wide web?

Care to join me? It only counts if you do it wholeheartedly.

A wholehearted year: replacing

I've been talking about a wholehearted year. If you missed out, start here.

"You shall not have other gods before me"

Exodus 20:3

 I believe in the living God. I don't bow down to statues. I have turned my life over to Jesus. So clearly, I have no other gods, right? Wrong.

It took me years to understand this statement. And it still blows me away how subtle idols can be in my life. I read two books that helped me diagnose and replace my idols, this one and this one. And there are two things I learned from them:

1- Anything that you look for to satisfy a craving in which only God can satisfy is an idol in your life.

2- You cannot just put an idol down. You need to replace it by something else. And the one thing that can fulfill you is God. 

So I know it is ok for me to have a big bowl of ice-cream. Just not ok for me to have it because I am upset with my job. It isn't wrong for me to want a nice house. But it certainly isn't right to think that a nice house will bring me happiness. Whether it is food, things, career or people, nothing is bad in itself. They become unhealthy when they take center stage on my pedestal and dim the light that should shine on Jesus. Light which should shine on Him wholeheartedly. 

A wholehearted year: offering hospitality

I've been talking about a wholehearted year. If you missed out, start here.

Yet another aspect of my life in which the Lord has asked me to sink in with all my heart is offering hospitality. This is such a foreign concept to me because, although I am a big homey person, I tend to want my house to myself. 

Slowly I have been learning that this is not a want to sort of deal, but a have to sort of deal for Christians. And with a little help from a lovely blogger, I even ended up understanding I had a huge misconception about what hospitality is in the first place.

I was in good company when I figured out that my main problem was always having the same excuse: the lack of room to entertain. As if friends and strangers cared about the square footage of my humble abode. 

So this weekend we did something radical. After coming home from church, at around 9pm we started moving furniture around. We got rid of excess and opened up some space, dreaming of a cozy backyard. The result? A huge living room (ok, maybe not that huge) that just happened to be cluttered with stuff. Now it is ready to get cluttered with souls. And we intend on putting it to good use as soon as we can!

A wholehearted year: serving

I've been talking about a wholehearted year. If you missed out, start here.

If praying is something I struggle with, not so much when it comes to serving. I was raised in a family that goes above and beyond, went to a school that believes in the power of Christian service, and enjoyed opportunities in college and after on many shapes and forms of community service. From bathing horses to installing house insulation, from playing bingo with elders to basketball with inner city kids, you name it, I've probably done it.

But I have a problem. A big one.

If someone asks me why, I'm not sure what I'll answer.  And if the honest answer does come out, it won't really be a pretty one.

Most of the time, it was because I am a good girl, and that is what good girls do. We act selflessly and then we bask on the praise we get. Or we get slammed with doing too much for too many people because we cannot imagine saying no and hurting some one's feelings. Well, it turns out Jesus has something to say about that:

“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. 

If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven." Matthew 6:1

Ouch. 

So in this wholehearted year, I am pulling stops on my involvement and service. Yes, I will serve, because it is the Christian thing to do. But serving to impress others? Serving out of a sense of obligation that is only fed by pride? I am saying no to that. 

A wholehearted year: praying

I've been talking about a wholehearted year. I was actually shocked to find out that having a word for the year seems to be a common thing, as this was God's guiding, not a cool idea I found on a blog. I'm glad to see God's direction on such a large group of people!

Check some great blogs and people's words here. If you missed out on my own path, start here.

Prayer. Oh, boy, where do I start?

I've had a superficial prayer life, to say the least. I am embarrassed to say grace in public, specially when I eat with non-Christian friends. My goodnight prayers can get stuck in a routine. I am great at praying when something huge happens or when I feel in danger, but not so good at the day to day kind of stuff. 

I once read that people struggle with prayer because it requires them to be humble. You are basically admitting defeat, and that you cannot do without God. At first the idea sounded ridiculous to me. Of course I was humble, of course I gave everything up to Christ. Or did I?

I have come to see that I have two major stumbling blocks when it comes to prayer. The first one is pride itself. Not because I am proud and tell God I've got it, but because I get convinced that things are too small of a thing to pray about, which means I end up with a short and sad prayer life, all the while thinking "I've got this Lord, no need to worry", when that's the exact opposite of what He wants. 

The second stumbling block I have is lack of determination. It's just too easy to get distracted by that thought that comes and says "you forgot to load the laundry", which promptly drives me from the couch onto a house keeping marathon before I know it. Am I the only one?

Although we are still at the beginning of the year, I have felt that my new relationship with the Word of God has allowed me to go deeper into prayer. The wheels start turning and all of a sudden I am praying about something seemingly unrelated, but that I know I had been avoiding. And it feels great. 

Now I just need the discipline for those little prayers to make their way through my day, always reminding me that the Holy Spirit is right beside me at all times. 

A wholehearted year: studying

I've been talking about a wholehearted year. If you missed out, start here.

Another thing God has been changing in me is the way I study the Word of God. You see, every since I became a Christian I've been very good at reading the Bible. English NIV? Check. Portuguese NIV? Check. Portuguese Almeida? Check. Biblia Viva? Check. Another round or two in English? Check, check. I've probably read through the Bible about five times in these seven years as a Christian, but it's always been a very superficial. 

So this year, instead of vowing to read the Bible in one year, I am choosing to study it. Take my time. Savour it. Check references. Go back to texts that relate. All that good stuff. Here are some tools that will certainly help me, other than the Bible itself.

The Message Remix: Solo

I've become a Kindle kind of gal, so for me to pick up a book from Barnes and Nobles and actually haul it across the sea in my luggage, it means a lot. I went into the store looking for a new Bible, considering getting the Message. I know it's not the same, but most of the passages I've come across are just so...beautiful.  

I was excited about this version, with the method of lectio divine (divine reading). For every passage, it includes prompts on read, think, pray and live. It has truly transformed my relationship with the text, allowing to spend much more time and dig in without getting distracted or fed up.

Now, I must warn you, it's not the whole deal. It mentions extended passages which are suggested reading, but it does not have the Bible in its entirety. 

Trans World Radio resources

I began making my way through Route 66, a radio program from Radio Transmundial (Trans World Radio's Brazilian affiliate) in which a pastor reads, explains and applies the 66 books of the Old Testament to our lives. I love it. 

I started listening to it while doing other things, but have quickly learned that won't get me very far, so I take the time to stop, open my Bible and follow the passage being looked at. 

Furthermore, my 2013 diary is from them, and it has devotionals and suggested readings for every day. 

Bible Study

I love reading, I love learning, I love Christ. That means Bible Study is one of my all time favorite things. I love going through the text, listening to what is discussed, taking notes to go back to it during the week. We are blessed to have an amazing Bible Study Group in my church. Now it seems God is opening a door for another course on the Bible, which I just love. I'll tell you more about it when it comes through. 

You Version

I found out about You Version through a little blog I love. Not only does it have the Bible on electronic versions in all shapes of languages and styles, it also has reading plans. I'll probably keep to the shorter ones, to avoid having a bunch of long-term plans crashing into each other. You can even pick a short reading plan based on topics such as parenting, prayer, Ephesians, and much, much more!

What is your favorite way of studying the Bible?

A wholehearted year: listening

Yesterday I shared my year-long and life-long goal. I've decided against lists that can be ticked off, but knowing myself, I need some sort of accountability, or I'll slack on it. It took me a while to figure out what kind of on-paper accountability I could set without it becoming a to-do list, but I *think* I figured it out.

On the next couple of days I'll be sharing some strategies I have chosen to focus on in order to work towards my goal. Again, it's not supposed to boil down to forcing a routine or checking things off. I'll let God prompt me in the frequency, time spent and focus for each of these. However, I do believe they are all good things, as Martha Stewart would say.

The first one, in a random list with no particular order, is listening. I am good at talking, I am good at figuring things out, I am good at being distracted. Not so much at listening. 

Listening to God

Sounds obvious, right? But for me most of the time it is so hard. My thoughts get in the way. My feelings get in the way. The business of life gets in the way. So I'll work on listening to God as I'm in the middle of a busy activity, as I sit quietly by myself, as I lay down to sleep. Everywhere and anywhere. 

Listening to others

Do you spend more time thinking about your reply than listening to what someone is telling you? Sometimes I feel like that. I am too busy figuring out how to gently disagree, how to point out a flaw in a line of thinking, or wondering what is the next load of laundry I need to do, that I miss what people say. How people say it. Those in-between the lines that tell us more than the actual words. 

Listening to myself

I was a strict vegetarian for a year and a half, and the best thing out of it for me was that I learned to listen to my body. I may walk up to my fridge thinking I want some milk to go with a cup of tea, only to drop it for a carrot instead. I may feel like taking a nap, only to realise I won't sleep well at night if I do. I may drop what I am doing to run to the grocery store to buy some eye drops instead of letting it go. I firmly believe our bodies are constantly sending us signs, and it is important that we listen. 

My one (yes, one!) New Year's Resolution

When December rolled around, I had a page on my journal with a handful of New Year's resolutions. By mid-December, that list had grown and grown, and quite honestly, it was quite impressive. It boasted items such as serve more, study more the Word of God, spend more time in prayer. No focus on dieting or baby-making (which are indeed things I look forward to), I was adamant to have a year serving God. 

But as time went by, God showed me a different side to all this. He moved in me how He is not a checklist, and living for Him cannot be a checklist. Yes, there are things we do that we know will bring us close to Him, but if our hearts are not in it, it's all in vain.

So today, as I read my Message Remix: Solo (which I am loving by the way, and will post soon about it), what I read made a deep impression in my heart. Reading Numbers, a book I tend to glaze over when I read, I found the most amazing little half sentence.

'But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly...' 

Numbers 14:24

Now first of all, let us be clear that God is the one talking here. Caleb isn't being praised by his boss, or even by Moses, but by God himself. And what is God's assessment of Caleb? That he follows Him wholeheartedly. 

The more I thought about it, the more amazed I was. And the more I kept thinking that this is it. That's the secret to a happy and fulfilled life. So this is my one and only resolution for this year. And pretty much for the rest of my life.

I know I am setting myself up for failure. There is no way I can do this. But that is the point. I surrender to Jesus, because I know HE is the one who can, and will. Only he can change my heart. Only he can give me strengh and show me the way. I'm just making myself willing.

What is your New Year's Resolution?