Infinitely more

Some people live a long, healthy young life with no intentions of settling down. If I were to be completely honest, I think I started seriously considering marriage when I was, oh, I don't know, maybe nine. Maybe it is because I've always known I wanted to be a mom. Maybe it is because I had some sort of low self-esteem and needed to have someone by my side to feel worth something. Maybe it is because this has always been a God-given dream.

I know what it is like to be a teenager surrounded by friends with their boys-in-tow and be alone. I know what it is like to graduate from high school never having been kissed. I know what it is like to lie to a group of girls that of course I had already french kissed. I know what it is like to go through college watching peers 'hook up', get STDs, get pregnant, and wreck their sanity over messy sex lives, all the while thinking that I am light years away from being that grown up. 

I know what it is like to come to Christ and all of a sudden be extremely grateful for God's protection. Learning the meaning of the word holy and understanding why I was set apart. And yet, even after becoming a Christian, I also know what it is like to look through the youth group wondering if my future husband is somewhere there. Pray that the one close friend you have sees what a Godly wife you'd make. 

For my entire life, I placed marriage in a pedestal. At first, for the lack of a romantic relationship. And then, when I was twenty-two my parents got divorced, and my need to have someone just got worst. My husband was a childhood friend of mine, and he came back into my life a couple of years later. I finally had what I had always wanted, and yet, for a long time, I kept expecting things to fall apart. 

He couldn't be that great of a boyfriend. Our relationship couldn't be that peaceful. Our love couldn't be that strong. I beat myself for not knowing how to behave in an adult relationship, and attempted to follow the examples of friends and family only to see that it did not work. I cried countless nights over the idea that he might just get fed up with me and leave me. 

Yet, he never did. He has never raised his voice to me. Never spoken unkind words. Never stormed out of the room. Never treated me with disrespect, in private or public. He has been showing me Christ's love way before he understood who Christ was himself. I was willing to settle for much less. I would have been content with much less. Yet, God had infinitely more for me than I had planned. 

Daddy listening to baby Arthur's heartbeat

Life ruins- Part 2

Yesterday I began telling how Pastor Brian Houston's Release, Revive, Repair, Rebuild reading plan based on Ezra 9 made me focus on bringing back to life a ruined relationship. Unfortunately things were not shaping up...

After my meltdown, I went to church (Thank God for Wednesday services!). There, I was confronted with Psalm 1, and the more the pastor talked, the more God moved in my heart. Don't blame yourself. You are blessed. You delight in my law. You are indeed like that tree. My self-righteousness sprung straight up and I began to tell myself how the Lord watches over my path, and if people choose to walk in the way that perishes, too bad for them. I was in the right, they were in the wrong. Not very Christian of me, was it?

Thursday I got up decided to have a talk. I prayed a lot. As in a real big chunk of lot, y'all. I needed to keep my emotions in check. I would not cry. I would not scream. I would not complain. I would not defend myself. I would humble myself and be honest. And I did. Things were good.

Until at night things changed. A situation arose and our agreements seemed to backtrack. The worse part? I knew it was a lie. I was being told something, looking this person in the eye and thinking She is lying! How can she do it so naturally? I went to the source and confirmed what I thought, it was quite a huge stretch from the truth. In my book, that is called a lie. Delusion maybe. Lack of integrity, definitely. 

I used to think a big lie was a big deal, but a little white lie, a little stretching of truth, was not a problem. Until I became a Christian and learned who is the father of all lies, and how God looks at sin. So now I am a big lie-legalistic and find it completely unacceptable, no matter to what degree of white it is.

Foaming through my mouth, I posted this picture on my Instagram. 

I'll spare you of the nasty non-Christian comment that went with it. Check back on Thursday to read how God finally intervened. 

Life ruins - Part 1

In the beginning of last week Pastor Brian Houston, from Hillsong Church, launched a new devotional on YouVersion entitled Release, Revive, Repair, Rebuild. It focuses on Ezra 9, and talks about bringing back to life something that is in ruins, whether it is a dream, relationship or anything else. 

I began reading it simply because I like Pastor Houston's preaching, and also because I cannot say I am very familiar with Ezra. "Oh, yeah, Ezra the builder and I go way back" is not something I would say if someone asked me whether I was familiar with the book. My answer would be more like "It's somewhere between 1 Samuel and Malachi, right?"

So I dove in, praying for God to show me how that devotional applied to my own life. First day, nothing. Second day, nothing. Third day, I had an insight. I was driving to work and something went click and I though "Yes, this is it." Did I talk it over with God? Nope. Did I pray about it? Nope. I simply checked it off my list and went along.

So I established that the ruins that I needed to start rebuilding was a relationship with a family member. This person is technically extremely close, yet our conversations are limited to facebook posts and the weather, both subject matters which drive me up the walls. I have a really hard time putting up with this person's constant needs for others to help, which in my opinion are most of the time not needs, but wants. And I know she has a really hard time putting up with my foul mood and neatness obsession, which does not mesh well with her style of I'll get to it eventually organization. Something just happens when I am around her, I get angry all the time. 

So I took matters into my own hands and began. Serving. Overlooking faults. Disregarding things that really bothered me and that I found a complete lack of respect from her part. I began strong, but after a couple of days I was withering. I was nothing like the soaring eagle I was promised. And then it all came crashing down, making things worse than ever. 

At first I began to feel extremely sad and guilty, for I became completely apathetic to the situation. Then I began feeling extremely mad about how the more I gave, the more I was expected to give. By Wednesday I had a meltdown and literally spent the whole day crying, being supported by my husband and a close sister in Christ. And then when I got home and was confronted with yet another scene of sheer lack of regard, I had a tantrum and let all my frustrations boil up and spill out. 

Want to know what happened next? Come back tomorrow!