Monday, August 19, 2013

Life ruins - Part 1

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In the beginning of last week Pastor Brian Houston, from Hillsong Church, launched a new devotional on YouVersion entitled Release, Revive, Repair, Rebuild. It focuses on Ezra 9, and talks about bringing back to life something that is in ruins, whether it is a dream, relationship or anything else. 

I began reading it simply because I like Pastor Houston's preaching, and also because I cannot say I am very familiar with Ezra. "Oh, yeah, Ezra the builder and I go way back" is not something I would say if someone asked me whether I was familiar with the book. My answer would be more like "It's somewhere between 1 Samuel and Malachi, right?"

So I dove in, praying for God to show me how that devotional applied to my own life. First day, nothing. Second day, nothing. Third day, I had an insight. I was driving to work and something went click and I though "Yes, this is it." Did I talk it over with God? Nope. Did I pray about it? Nope. I simply checked it off my list and went along.

So I established that the ruins that I needed to start rebuilding was a relationship with a family member. This person is technically extremely close, yet our conversations are limited to facebook posts and the weather, both subject matters which drive me up the walls. I have a really hard time putting up with this person's constant needs for others to help, which in my opinion are most of the time not needs, but wants. And I know she has a really hard time putting up with my foul mood and neatness obsession, which does not mesh well with her style of I'll get to it eventually organization. Something just happens when I am around her, I get angry all the time. 

So I took matters into my own hands and began. Serving. Overlooking faults. Disregarding things that really bothered me and that I found a complete lack of respect from her part. I began strong, but after a couple of days I was withering. I was nothing like the soaring eagle I was promised. And then it all came crashing down, making things worse than ever. 

At first I began to feel extremely sad and guilty, for I became completely apathetic to the situation. Then I began feeling extremely mad about how the more I gave, the more I was expected to give. By Wednesday I had a meltdown and literally spent the whole day crying, being supported by my husband and a close sister in Christ. And then when I got home and was confronted with yet another scene of sheer lack of regard, I had a tantrum and let all my frustrations boil up and spill out. 

Want to know what happened next? Come back tomorrow!