Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Worship Wednesday

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I have been trying to add more worship into my life. Whether I am ironing clothes, taking a shower or walking down the supermarket aisle, I've been making a concious effort to set my mind on Jesus. And although I don't think that music is the only way to do that, it is certainly a great way to do so. There is something about Holy words and Spirit filled notes that touches our hearts so deeply.

So I'd like to share a Worship song from now on, every Wednesday. As it is known as hump day, I think only fitting to stop and retrace our steps towards the Cross, to refresh our lives with His love in the middle of the week. Here is what I've been singing over and over again this week:

"Saviour King"
And now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
And now the poor stand and confess
That my portion is Him and I'm more than blessed

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king

We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good

You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin

I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

Let now your church shine as the bride
That you soar in your heart as you offered up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed those adopted as your own

I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

On feelings of inadequacy

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Did you ever really want something? As in wished, prayed, hoped and asked pretty please for it? As in you felt that your whole life would come down to this one tiny thing, and oh, if only you had that you'd be happy and never, ever, ask for anything again?

I've had my share of wanting things, events and changes in my life. From wishing for a piano (accompanied by piano lessons, nonetheless) to hoping I could just meet the one in college so I could go from college kid to housewife in one swoop. I've done my share of planning, which included things completely out of my control such as what kind of job my husband would have and how many children we would raise (if you are wondering, three, two boys and a girl, and in that order).

Lunatic, I know. But I never worried too much about that stuff because three months later I would change my mind and see how a marsh-view house would be much better than a historic district townhouse anyway. 

Except for this one tiny dream. It is a dream that sounds so simple and so silly, that people look at me funny when I tell them that's all I want in life. It is a dream I've had for as far as I can remember, which amazes me on how God's grace points us to where we belong from an early age. It is a dream filled with what would be a lot of work which makes life harder, which proves to me how much this is God's dream for me, as I would have certainly picked an easier way out.

And now the dream is here. And it feels so...surreal. 

I get torn in between moments of utter bliss and feelings that I certainly don't deserve it. I ponder about how this can glorify God only to get trapped thinking about how this is so fragile and can be ripped from me at any moment. I think back at all the circumstances I envisioned myself whenever this dream would come true, to be reminded of how I fell short.

I feel I cannot possibly be ready. I had so many ducks to place in a row before this, and so many years to do it it. Financially. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. But I blew it. I was lazy, I was incompetent, I was inadequate. And now it's here and it won't wait. So I juggle my joy and thankfulness with guilt and shame of not being ready. Of not being perfect

I should know better, and not listen to the lies. Yet, my heart is deceiving, and before I know it I am sketching out worst-case scenarios and wondering what kind of judgement I'll get. The emotions get the best of me and what began as a prayer of thanks turns into a list of errands to be checked before we can move forward, a list of if onlys that will somehow make me a little better adequate for this task.

Yet, every time I do get trapped in these lies, He reminds me that His grace is all I need. And that His power is strongest when I am weak.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Instamonth review

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I did it. I managed to spend a month photographing life and combining it with Psalms. Even though there were many times I wanted to add a disclaimer. Even though there were many times I wanted to add a verse from another book. Even though there were many times I had to sit down and find a psalm that fit what I was feeling. I was tempted to let it go, but I pulled through. 

And you know what? It feels good. First, because I had that sense of accomplishment. Check. But also because I noticed that I spent this whole month doing a lot of listening, and not a lot of talking. Although I came into it thinking this would be a good way to digest some stuff, it was actually a way God used to show me new things. My purpose was to revisit some old issues, but God's purpose was to show me new ones. 

Funny how that works, isn't it? We are dead sure we know why God is directing us, we get ready, set and go. Only to realise we had no idea of what it was about in the first place.

I also couldn't help but smile as Holy Week came and I realized that the very last day would be Easter Sunday. That was not planned at all, at least not by me. But it was yet another moment of God's grace.

A day in which all the new issues I had during the whole month went where they belong. Washed away by his righteousness.