Tuesday, April 2, 2013

On feelings of inadequacy

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Did you ever really want something? As in wished, prayed, hoped and asked pretty please for it? As in you felt that your whole life would come down to this one tiny thing, and oh, if only you had that you'd be happy and never, ever, ask for anything again?

I've had my share of wanting things, events and changes in my life. From wishing for a piano (accompanied by piano lessons, nonetheless) to hoping I could just meet the one in college so I could go from college kid to housewife in one swoop. I've done my share of planning, which included things completely out of my control such as what kind of job my husband would have and how many children we would raise (if you are wondering, three, two boys and a girl, and in that order).

Lunatic, I know. But I never worried too much about that stuff because three months later I would change my mind and see how a marsh-view house would be much better than a historic district townhouse anyway. 

Except for this one tiny dream. It is a dream that sounds so simple and so silly, that people look at me funny when I tell them that's all I want in life. It is a dream I've had for as far as I can remember, which amazes me on how God's grace points us to where we belong from an early age. It is a dream filled with what would be a lot of work which makes life harder, which proves to me how much this is God's dream for me, as I would have certainly picked an easier way out.

And now the dream is here. And it feels so...surreal. 

I get torn in between moments of utter bliss and feelings that I certainly don't deserve it. I ponder about how this can glorify God only to get trapped thinking about how this is so fragile and can be ripped from me at any moment. I think back at all the circumstances I envisioned myself whenever this dream would come true, to be reminded of how I fell short.

I feel I cannot possibly be ready. I had so many ducks to place in a row before this, and so many years to do it it. Financially. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. But I blew it. I was lazy, I was incompetent, I was inadequate. And now it's here and it won't wait. So I juggle my joy and thankfulness with guilt and shame of not being ready. Of not being perfect

I should know better, and not listen to the lies. Yet, my heart is deceiving, and before I know it I am sketching out worst-case scenarios and wondering what kind of judgement I'll get. The emotions get the best of me and what began as a prayer of thanks turns into a list of errands to be checked before we can move forward, a list of if onlys that will somehow make me a little better adequate for this task.

Yet, every time I do get trapped in these lies, He reminds me that His grace is all I need. And that His power is strongest when I am weak.